Baylee Letter's Infertility Story

Dec 01, 2021
Little did I know the hardest fight in my life would be the one to become a mother.
 
A few months before Chase and I got married, I went in for the traditional "pre marriage OB appointment" where typically you figure out a birth control plan, but I was diagnosed with PCOS and told that conceiving a child would be more difficult for me, let alone sustaining a healthy pregnancy. Right then, in that cold doctor's office, I knew my road to motherhood wouldn't be for the faint of heart. I was still naive to the journey that was ahead for us to become parents. 
 
 
A few months into marriage, I fell pregnant. We weren't actively trying for a baby and certainly had no intention to become parents within our first year but, we were elated and our desire to become parents grew. We told all of our family and close friends. I began spotting and the panic set in. I told Chase what was happening and I immediately called my doctor's office to which they scheduled an urgent same day ultrasound. At the six week mark, we lost our precious baby. The ultrasound tech said "Who told you that you were pregnant? I can see that the matter is leaving your body, but this pregnancy is not viable." I detached myself from the grief of that loss because of such phrases from the ultrasound tech and comments made such as, "Thankfully it was early," or "God's timing is the best timing." I thought that I had to either choose to grieve and be sad or move on and choose joy. I have now learned that grief and joy can coexist. You can honor the life of the loss and still hold hope for the future. 
 
 
About eight months later, we fell pregnant again. I was so excited to be a mom that all of my fears and negative emotions were pushed even further. I thought for sure this would be our redemption story, our rainbow. Chase was more hesitant to be hopeful because of the fear of me getting hurt. This time we didn't tell anyone about the pregnancy to guard our hearts and minds. We reached 11 weeks. I thought for sure we were in the clear and ready to see the second trimester-planning in my head the way we were going to announce the pregnancy. We were at church and I began spotting. I vividly remember feeling like my heart had sunk to my stomach. I went home early and later that night we met our baby way sooner than we had imagined
 
 
After two miscarriages, with no explained diagnosis other than PCOS, I started to grow extremely angry and bitter. My anxious thoughts kept growing and depression started to set in. With thoughts like, "Why is life so cruel to experience postpartum side effects with no baby?" or "Why did my desire to become a mother grow a thousand times more after loss?" 
 
 
We are now here. In the waiting and in the midst of the fight, where many of you who read this may also find yourself-fighting the fight and in the trenches. I hope if you're reading this, you are reminded that grief and hope can co-exist, even when you haven't seen your miracle. Just because you're in the middle, doesn't mean the middle has to be wasted. What if at the end of the road, we look back and recognize the miracle that was birthed in the midst of the battle, not just in the victory.
 
We are still on #TheRoadtoOurRainbow
 
Baylee Letters
@tobayleeandbeyond
 

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